Prep day #1

Good Evening!!  Well last night was my first night back on the blog wall.  I am in prep mode for Friday being my first day back at the gym.  When I decided this a couple of days ago I forgot that my son has a Dr appointment Friday morning so I will probably only get an hour in at the gym but all things considering that's probably a very good thing.  
So what did I do today to prepare... I logged my calories, tried to drink more water, and ate more fruits etc.  With exception to an upset tummy from the drastic food changes and headache from no caffeine I did pretty good.  I wasn't too worried on the exercise end because that is coming I wanted to start with the diet for a couple days before adding the exercise.  Today was a very good day...it was calm and smooth and all went well.  I'm actually getting excited about going back to the ...still scared at the same time but I know that once there I will feel at home again. 
Well I will keep this short and sweet until I have more to share, just know that I am heading back in the right direction slowly but surely... Love you All!!

Finding Myself and Climbing Mountains

Hello Again!!  I know it has been forever since I have blogged.  I have no excuse other than I haven't dealt well with the trails and challenges in my personal life.  I still have not learned to put "ME" first at times when I really should.  I tend to allow life and events to slow me down, frustrate me and discourage me.  When I find myself doing really good then speed bumps hit and turn into mountains at times.  Sometimes I do really good and they remain speed bumps and sometimes I allow them to build until they become mountains which are much harder to climb over.  When this happens I become depressed and discouraged and tend to want to give up rather than to put on the hiking boots and start climbing.
Since Thanksgiving I have set back and allowed several speed bumps to turn into mountains and gosh I must have packed away the hiking boots because the mountains got really big this time.  I have made excuse after excuse for failing and not doing well and for not going to the gym or stressing out etc.  None of these things are good or positive on my part.  Those of you who have been around to read my blogs over the last year know how rough and stressful life has been for me.  Well life isn't getting any easier any time soon and I haven't been using the proper coping skills to overcome these things.  Life is life and I have to find in me things that are positive even when everything seems to be so rough and negative.
A few weeks ago a very special friend (you know who you are and thanks for everything) got frustrated with me and quite bluntly told me I had some issues I needed to deal with.  Well it was an eye opener to say the least.  Was I really that bad?  Had I lost all that I had fought so hard for?  Was I failing me? What do I do to take care of me and help me get better for myself?  I was grasping with everything in me to save me to make me healthier and happier and so I looked into some self help books.  I ordered a book called "Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth".  It's a great book and a book that I think anyone who struggles with self esteem should read.  I have done a lot of sole searching as well as praying and was in awe of where I was truly at.  I am now on a second self help book and feeling better about what I doing to heal me from the inside out.  I still have a ton of stress and craziness going on in my life however as I start taking care of Cheri again those things won't bother me nearly as much as they do now because I will be dealing with them different emotionally.
I had planned to write on this blog yesterday and got busy reading my book and doing other things.  Today my mind was spinning all day long with thoughts and questions and how I was going to deal with them.  I had several friends who made comments to me today some of which I really needed to hear... thank you!!  Then this evening while talking to a friend of mine about some of my feelings and thoughts of the day I mentioned about my blog.  I gave the link to my friend to read and learn a little about me over the last year... it was the easiest way for them to see me over the last year.  I decided to read my blog posts starting from my very first post.  I had a great time reading and remembering different things that happened and milestones and goals reached etc as well as seeing what things prevented me at the time from my daily goals etc.  I laughed and cried and just really needed to read it.  I'm glad it happened today like it did.
While reading all of my blog posts from the last year I realized that I did on my very own exactly what the self help books tell me to do...lol  How funny is that!!  I helped myself last year and I felt great while doing it, I didn't always have a positive attitude and I didn't always make my goals but I didn't give up either.  So here is where I am at...I gave up on myself for the last several months and have gone backwards.  I have not been to the gym, I have not been eating right, I have not been taking care of Cheri and I have gained weight!  I am not happy with me but I am ready to change that and to start working on ME again.  I know I have the strength in me because I have displayed it before and it's time for me to take the bull by the horns again and to start over fresh with a new beginning and overcome these things in my life which have tied me down.
I have a lot of good things in my life and I need to be thankful for what I do have instead of being frustrated by what I don't have or what I want.  I need to be happy with me.
So here is my goal for myself:  Find them hiking boots and start climbing the mountain. Start over April 1st 2011 by going back to the gym and facing my fears.  My fears of failing myself again and those who said I inspired them in the past.  I do realize that I haven't failed myself if I am at this point of fighting back.  On April 1st I will also post a new Blog photo and will weigh in.  I will start logging my foods again and be accountable for what I do and do not do.  Here is what I ask of you my friends.  Please read and follow up with me... help keep me accountable and remind me when I get discouraged where I have been and what I'm fighting for.  I know that with my depression etc at times I forget these things and although this is my battle to fight on my own I do need and require a support system.  I love you all and am grateful to all who have been here for me in the past and the present. Most of all I thank my Heavenly Father for watching over me and bringing people into my life who make a difference and giving me the strength to overcome my weaknesses.  I Love You!!